Making Peace with Your Vulva

和阴部的和解

Recently, I’ve seen many posts encouraging people to reject appearance anxiety and body shame. I completely support that message. Everyone has the right to define beauty for themselves. Beauty should never be dictated by mainstream or social standards.

最近我经常看到很多文章在鼓励大家拒绝容貌焦虑、拒绝身体羞耻。我非常认同这样的观点。每个人都有权利定义属于自己的美。美不应该被大众或社会标准所束缚

Some people think only slim bodies are attractive. Others prefer curves. As long as you are healthy, there is space for many kinds of beauty. Confidence that comes from within is powerful and deeply attractive.

有些人觉得瘦才叫美，有些人觉得曲线才性感。只要是健康的身体，就有很多种美的可能。由内而外散发的自信，本身就是一种迷人的魅力

But today, I want to talk about something that rarely gets discussed:
“Is my vulva pretty enough?”

不过今天，我想聊一个很少被认真讨论的话题：
“我的小妹妹够不够好看？”

Why Does My Vulva Feel Ugly?

为什么我的私处不好看？

Not long ago, I saw an advertisement for vulva cosmetic surgery. It immediately reminded me of the old “hymen repair” surgeries.

前阵子我刷到私处整形广告，立刻想起过去流行的“修复处女膜手术”

Let’s be clear. The hymen is not a sealed membrane. It can stretch, change, or tear from many everyday activities like sport. And the whole concept of “restoring virginity” is based on misunderstanding.

首先，处女膜并不是一层密封的膜。它会因为运动等日常活动而改变或撕裂。所谓“恢复处女”本身就是一种误解

If someone insists on virginity as proof of worth, that is about their insecurity, not your value.

如果伴侣执着于“处女情结”，那是对方的问题，而不是你的问题

I also plan to write more about why I avoid labels like “virgin” or “non-virgin.” As a sex therapist, I try to use neutral and respectful language, especially around gender and sexuality.

以后我也会专门写写为什么我不建议使用“处女”“处男”这样的词。作为性心理咨询师，我尽量使用中立、尊重的语言，尤其在涉及性与性别时

Men also experience genital insecurity. There are penis enlargement products, implants, rings and countless “performance” solutions on the market. Much of it reflects anxiety about sex.

男性也有私处焦虑。市面上有各种增大产品、植入物和所谓的“增强神器”。这些往往反映的是对性的焦虑

So what is a “normal” vulva supposed to look like?

那么，所谓“正常”的Vulva到底长什么样？

Is it meant to look like porn? Pale, hairless, symmetrical?

是像色情影片里的样子吗？白白嫩嫩、光滑无毛、完全对称？

Or is that just a narrow visual fantasy?

还是那只是被商业化放大的幻想？

What does beauty mean to you?

你心中“小妹妹美”的定义是什么？

Look at Your Vulva Honestly

正视你的小妹妹

Your vulva is unique. That uniqueness is part of its beauty.

你的Vulva是独特的，而独特本身就是一种美

If you have learned to challenge body shame in other areas, this is simply another step in that journey.

如果你已经学会在其他身体部位上拒绝羞耻，那么这只是旅程中的另一部分

There is a wonderful educational resource called the Labia Library, which shows the diversity of real vulvas. Seeing variety can reduce anxiety.

有一个很棒的教育资源叫Labia Library，里面展示了真实、多样的Vulva样貌。看到多样性，有助于减少焦虑

There is no single “normal” appearance.

根本不存在唯一的“正常”样子

Get Familiar and Feel Safe

让自己更熟悉、更安全

One helpful approach is gradual exposure. The more familiar something becomes, the less frightening it feels.

一个有帮助的方法是循序渐进地接触。越熟悉，就越不容易感到焦虑

You can break it into steps.

可以拆解成小步骤：

• First, imagine touching your vulva while feeling calm.
隔着想象去触碰，并在想象中感到放松

• Touch over clothing.
隔着衣服触碰

• Touch over underwear.
隔着内裤触碰

• Remove clothing in dim light.
在昏暗环境下脱掉衣物

• Gradually increase the lighting.
慢慢把灯光调亮

• Use a mirror if you feel ready.
如果准备好了，可以使用镜子

Observe with curiosity rather than judgement.

用好奇心去观察，而不是评判

Imagine you are a scientist discovering something new for the first time.

想象自己是第一次观察它的科学家。

You might say quietly to yourself:
“My vulva is beautiful.”
“My body deserves respect.”

可以对自己说：
“我的Vulva很美。”
“我的身体值得被尊重。”

Another Method: Gentle Dialogue

另一种方法：温柔对话

It may sound unusual, but some people find it helpful to imagine their vulva as a character and speak to it kindly.

虽然听起来有点奇怪，但有些人发现，把Vulva想象成一个小角色并温柔对话，真的有帮助

You might thank it for sensation, pleasure, and resilience.

可以感谢它带来的感觉、愉悦与韧性

This practice can shift your relationship from criticism to appreciation.

这个过程能让你从批评转向欣赏

One Last Reminder

最后提醒

If you feel intense shame, disgust, or anxiety about your vulva, it may be connected to past trauma.

如果你对自己的Vulva有强烈的羞耻、厌恶或焦虑，这有时可能与创伤有关

If you have experienced sexual abuse or bodily violation, building a safe relationship with your body can be very difficult.

如果你曾经历性虐待或身体创伤，与身体建立安全连结确实会很困难

Therapy and support groups can be powerful starting points for rebuilding that connection.

心理治疗或支持小组，可能是重新建立身体连结的良好开始

I hope that one day you can confidently say: “My vulva is beautiful.”

我希望有一天，你能自信地说：“我的Vulva很漂亮。”