Think about it. What do you usually want in life? To get rich? To meet an attractive partner? To get promoted and earn more?

想一想，你平时会有什么欲望？想发财？想找一个理想伴侣？想升职加薪？

Everyone has desires. Sexual desire is simply one of them. Yet many people treat sexual desire like something dangerous or shameful, as if talking about sex automatically means being inappropriate.

其实每个人都有欲望，性欲也只是其中一种。但很多人把性欲当成洪水猛兽，觉得谈性就是下流或羞耻

Recently, I came across many “no fap” posts online, such as “Day three of no fap” or “Starting today, wish me luck.” I was quite surprised. I will write separately about why I don’t recommend blindly following trends without understanding your own body first.

前段时间，我刷到很多“戒色”文章，比如“戒色第三天”“开始戒色了，求鼓励”等等。我有点惊讶。以后我会专门写一篇，聊聊为什么我不建议大家盲目跟风，而是先了解自己的身体

I have also heard parents say to me, “Why are you studying something so dirty?” or “Why are you teaching people about sex? That’s shameful.”

以前也有家长对我说：“你怎么学这么下流的东西？怎么还教别人这些事？真不要脸。”

I understand that not everyone feels comfortable talking about sex. Not everyone is ready to face sexual desire with openness. I respect that. But I do wonder, when their children ask questions about sex, how do they respond?

我理解，并不是每个人都能坦然谈性，也不是每个人都愿意正面面对性欲。我尊重这些想法。不过我很好奇，当孩子主动问起这些问题时，他们会怎么回答？

Some parents avoid the topic completely. When they notice certain behaviours in their children, they react with fear or anger.

有些家长自己都避讳谈性，一旦发现孩子有某些行为，就急着打压或责骂

For example, some ask, “My daughter keeps crossing her legs. Is something wrong?” or “My son touches himself. Should I punish him?”

比如，有家长会问：“我女儿老是夹腿是不是有病？”“我儿子摸自己要不要打他？”

These reactions can send a strong message to children: sexual curiosity is unacceptable.

这样的态度会让孩子觉得，性欲或性好奇是不被允许的

Many people grow up suppressing their sexual feelings during puberty, which is actually a natural time for exploration. Later, when they enter intimate relationships, they realise they barely understand their own bodies. Without proper education, many turn to unreliable sources for information.

很多人就在青春期压抑了自己的性欲。明明是探索身体的自然阶段，却被压下来。等真正进入亲密关系时，才发现自己对身体一窍不通。再加上缺乏正确教育，就容易从不靠谱的渠道获取错误信息

Facing your sexual desire is part of getting to know yourself. Find a private space, perhaps while showering, and ask yourself: What turns me on? What turns me off?

直面自己的性欲望，是认识自己的过程。找一个私密空间，或者在洗澡时问问自己：到底什么会让我有性欲？什么会让我失去兴趣？

Mini Exercise: My Turn-On and Turn-Off

小练习：我的性欲开关

This exercise helps you understand your own patterns. It is also a reminder that you are responsible for your own sexual experience. You cannot expect someone else to manage it entirely for you.

这个练习可以帮助你更了解自己，也提醒你：你需要为自己的性体验负责，而不是把所有期待都放在别人身上

Heads-up: It works best with someone who can give feedback. Doing it alone is possible, but shared interaction usually deepens the experience.

提醒：最好找一个可以给你反馈的人一起做。一个人也可以练习，但互动会让效果更明显

Find a partner. This could be your romantic partner, a close friend, or someone you trust.

找一个伙伴，可以是伴侣，也可以是你信任的朋友

Phase One

阶段一

Take turns completing the sentence: “When __________ happens, I lose my sexual desire.”

轮流说这句话：“当________的时候，我会失去性欲。”

For example: “When I come home exhausted from work, I feel too drained to be in the mood.”

例如：“当我下班回到家很累的时候，我就完全没有心情。”

Say what genuinely comes to mind. The listener does not need to respond. If they do respond, it should be without judgement or advice.

尽量说出真实想法。对方不需要回应。如果回应，也要避免批判或说教

Each person shares at least five examples.

每个人至少说五个

Phase Two

阶段二

Now switch the sentence:

“When __________ happens, I feel more turned on.”

换成这个句式：

“当________的时候，我会觉得更有性欲。”

For example: “When I feel relaxed and clean after a shower, I’m more open to intimacy.”

例如：“当我洗完澡，感觉干净放松时，我更容易有性欲。”

If you are doing this with a partner, write down each other’s answers. Afterwards, discuss them with openness and curiosity rather than criticism.

如果你和伴侣一起做练习，可以把彼此说的开关整理出来。然后带着开放和好奇的态度交流，尽量避免批判

Understanding each other’s turn-ons and turn-offs can create a more respectful and connected intimate life.

理解彼此的性欲开关，有助于建立更尊重、更有连结的亲密关系